Forgiveness
I once blurted out to client, after she told me how she was excluded from knowing that her farther was dying; “That’s unforgivable!”. In this case my unprofessional expression of my feeling was affirming for my client who felt the same.

From time to time clients and others raise the issue of forgiveness. They often ask if they should forgive someone who has harmed them, or if forgiving someone will lead to reconciliation.

To me forgiveness as an act of volition or choice in which an individual claims agency over an event by deciding whether it is good for them to forgive the offender. I define forgiveness as the choice to give up on justifiable anger.

Someone might want to give up on that anger so that it they are free of a harming and unproductive feeling. ON the other hand, they may find the anger energising in making positive change in their life. It may simply be the harm feels like to much and they feel they can’t forgive.

Reconciliation can happen without forgiveness – “I can’t forgive you bu tit is important to me that this relationship continues” – and forgiveness may not lead to reconciliation – “I have forgiven you. I am no longer angry but I still don’t want to be close to you” .

Atonement or apology can be used to pressure the victim to forgive. An apology is acknowledgement of the wrong, it doesn’t buy forgiveness.

Individuals may be pressured by family, belief systems or organisations to forgive; only the victim has the right to decide whether they will take that difficult step